sometimes i get so sad that i think i’ll never get up. sometimes it feels like nothing will ever work, like there is nothing past this moment. the ecstasy of teresa of avila is a sculpture about pain so bad you go out of your mind, that’s the “ecstasy” part, teresa with religion, regular people like you and me with betrayals, diseases, death.
and then the pain leaves. i’m exhausted and calm and no longer having to fight the sadness. i give up myself. that’s when it comes to me:
i think i can love you now enough to let you go. i think i can respect me enough now to go look for love. let’s just tie up these loose ends of our marriage. sell the house and split the cash. set up 2 homes for our children. smile at each other and thank each other for having tried.
the calm, the acceptance. it’s that i’m too tired to think about your lies. or how my life was a lie. i just can’t.