When your lover has betrayed you with someone else, you end up with questions. I’ve written mine down below. You can skip my whining, which I have written in the next couple of paragraphs. I don’t like my own whining either.
If you want to know what it’s like to have these questions, I’ll tell you. The questions follow you around like a bad smell. They follow you around and embarrass you, humiliate you all day. You go to work in the same car you went to work in when you were lonely but not betrayed yet. You have the same photos in your wallet. None of it looks real anymore. You yourself feel like you are a question.
You wonder: what’s worse, the loneliness before you knew your lover gave his heart away? Or the loneliness after you knew your lover had given his heart away? Which to choose to feel now. You have to choose. Which. One.
At some point, I became brave enough to write all my questions that I need answers to. They are questions I absolutely do not want answers to. They are questions too terrible to say out loud. They are questions I’ll ask everyone but my love.
how many times did you try to leave or think about leaving
does anyone want you to leave or has asked you to leave
have you planned with her/them to be together or marry or live together
what are the places that are special for you and her/them. places that you remember now with happy memories.
who else knows besides you, me, and her/them?
what was my name, what did you and she/them call me when you referred to me
how many have you confided in. who did you tell that you are suicidal
did you say her name when you came. did she say yours
what did you do with her/them that you wouldn’t with me. that you would with me.
what do you miss about her/them
do you spend time with her/their children, do you take them places, go to the beach, amusements parks, anything fun that our kids would like
do you give their children presents and cards, take them out places that are nice or fun or romantic
do you give her/them presents and cards and flowers
what do you think when your travel takes you near where they live
what do you do to hide it. what does she/them do
what do you like about me
what do you love about me
what about me do you feel you need
what do you wish we could do
who are we, what are we